Partner with the Parenting Expert

Psalms 127:3 says that children are a blessing from God, but I sure didn’t see this at 18. I surely wasn’t ready to be a mom and I could think of other gifts God could have given me besides a baby. (I say that as if I was Virgin Mary)

I found myself being over protective of my daughter, not wanting to leave her and the only person I trusted to keep her was my mom. Then as she grew older, I would have these crazy nightmares that she was being kidnapped and I couldn’t get to her, so I would wake up crying and exhausted from searching for her cry, in the middle of nowhere. It seemed so close but I could never find her. I remember one morning waking up and crying to God saying, I need you to help me. I can’t do all this alone. If I give her to you, will you guide me and help me be the guardian that you see me as to your child? I realized that she was his child, but somewhere in his great mind (2Tim 3:17; Heb 13:21) he felt I was equipped with everything I needed to be a good guardian on earth. I knew then that I had to partner with God. I would allow God to be her protector, her provider, her teacher and her corrector, after all he was the Expert Parent and he could give her more than I ever could.

Now don’t think for one minute that this means I became this perfect person. Nope but even through all my foolishness, He still kept his promise. One more thing, her life wasn’t flawless and things didn’t just run smooth but even then, He kept his promise. If you don’t know where to start, I found this illustration online, it’s a great place to start. If I could share 1 piece of advice on how to Survive and Thrive as a Single Mom, it would be to Partner with the EXPERT!

(Click Image To Enlarge)Praying for your children TRSMC

forgive yourself

What’s Holding You Hostage

I remember making so many life decisions based on what I thought would make other people proud of me. Then when I made a mistake, I dealt with what people thought of me. So it ended up being a revolving cycle of people pleasing. And you know 8 times out of 10 the decisions that I was making for other people ended up failing. Prime example, I thought I wanted to be a bad girl so, well, ok let’s not talk about that one yet. What about the time I thought I wanted to….Ok maybe not that one either. Man do I have some stories for yall.

For me it all started after high school, I went off to college and everyone was so proud of me. I was determined to Be Different for my family but then shortly afterwards, like the first semester, I got pregnant. I think I lived the next 16 years in guilt and embarrassment and always trying to make up for disappointing people. Making so many decisions trying to make up for previous mistakes. Once I stopped long enough to think about ME my life changed. I also realized that the reality was, I had disappointed myself. While everyone else had gotten over it, I was still stuck! So then I began the process of forgiving myself. God had already done so, people around me were making their own mistakes and really weren’t worried about mine. If they were it was only because they were miserable themselves.

In order to move forward, I had to forgive myself.

I suggest you, Get in a quiet place and write a letter to you, forgiving yourself for whatever you feel you have done to disappoint YOU (not anyone else). This may get emotional and exhausting. It’s like digging up a tree that’s been planted for years. It takes some time to get to the root. This is the root of your healing process. It is so imperative that we forgive ourselves first. Forgiveness is the first step to discovering what’s been holding you hostage

Dear Shana

I forgive you for……..

stereotype word collage

So You Think Single Moms Are..?

I asked, What are some stereotypes Single Moms find themselves having to prove wrong or maybe even justify? Unfortunately 1 bad apple usually spoils the bunch, so regardless of what sweet, juicy fruit was mixed in with the bad, t spoils the whole dern bunch and you end up just throwing them all out. If you were to survey the women of The Real Single Moms Club, you would find that we are, the Crème de la Crème!

So you think Single Moms Are:

  1. “Thirsty”- We are not “desperate” for a man. I know quite a few ladies, including myself that are so focused on their purpose and passions that, while having a man is entertaining, it’s not the Must Have on our list. Married women you can stop giving us the side eye when we come around your man because we don’t want him. Just because we don’t have a ring doesn’t mean that we can’t be a “respectful friend.”
mothers love

Is it a Single Mom Thing or Just a Mom Thing?

Is it a Single Mom Thing or just a Mom Thing?
How does she feel when the rest of the kids have the support of both parents?  I never want her to feel like she doesn’t belong or that she’s less than them.  So I make major sacrifices, I cheer the loudest, I run through traffic lights when I’m running late.  I try to make sure I’m dressed up really nice, I don’t want people looking at us like we’re struggling because I’m  a single parent.  And of course I make sure she has the latest trends, she has more shoes than I’ve ever owned, even if it means I have to be super creative with my limited wardrobe.

7 Secrets Of A Confident Woman

The Real Single Moms Club started the year (2015) reading The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer. I would like to share Chapter 4, The Seven Secrets of A Confident Woman. I’ve located a recent video of her teaching on these secrets. Until you can read the book, I encourage you to take some time (an hour) to listen to the video

The 7 Secrets of a Confident Woman are:

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Are You Ready for Mr. Right?

Now this one just might be a keeper, he’s nice, wait let me pull out my list. Ok, he doesn’t smoke, he loves the Lord. He doesn’t have any drama. He has a good job and good credit!

Wait are you saying you don’t have a list? You know the list of all the things that would make him Mr Right. Besides being a Man of God, He has to be Supportive because I have a busy schedule, Emotionally Sensitive but not too sensitive, Non-judgmental because I’m not perfect and he has to know how to Communicate because…Well I don’t believe in going to bed angry. Don’t laugh, Welcome to Shana’s World.

Then this soft voice says “Shana, what if he has a list?”, now where did that voice come from?” After I discovered this voice knew me a little more than I knew myself, I decided to do a self-assessment. Then I asked a few guys, what was on their list? It’s so funny because it’s true, guys really are a lot simpler than women. I had a brief conversation with Author Sean Wilburn, who also says “Our list is simple, we are really simple creatures” he goes on to say ”Be emotionally available, Not emotionally needy and last, but not least-Just be Cool”

How Can I Be A Better Mom?

I ran across this video and it made me think about a conversation I had with my daughter. I had been facilitating some leadership training at work and I was explaining to the team, the importance of getting feedback from their team members. What can I do to be a better leader? They looked at me like, Are you crazy? They will come up with all kinds of stuff.

The reality of it is, you don’t really know how you’re doing if you don’t ask. When asking this question, you have to be humble and ready to receive the constructive feedback. Well after teaching this class for a few days, I came home and asked my daughter, “What can I do to be a better mom?” I thought, now of course I admire my mother and after all, she didn’t do a bad job raising us but how would things have been if we would have felt comfortable telling my parents what we needed from them? I can hear both of them saying something like “it really doesn’t matter, I’m the parent and you do what I say” LOL while it’s funny, it can actually open doors for parents to have a better understanding of a child’s individuality. My dad jokes all the time saying, “Since I was the oldest, I was the test child” because they didn’t know anything about parenting, except for how they were raised Back In The Day!

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Shana Blog Pic

“Finding your Purpose!”

So there’s all this hype about “finding your purpose” and it’s said that everyone is born with gifts and talents. Well I searched and searched for over 35 years, never coming up with one thing. Do you sew? No! Bake? No! Ok maybe you love doing hair? Make Up? Sports? Dance? No! No! No! No! Ok maybe you were blessed with a musical talent? Huge No!! My friend finally says, You should write a book about your life! O Hell No! No way would I air my dirty laundry. My business remains my business. So now I’m left thinking, “Did God skip over me as he was handing out gifts and talents?” Or maybe I just don’t have a purpose. My mother tried her best to help us discover (possible) hidden talents. After years of being forced to play the piano, I took the first out when given the opportunity. You’d swear my sister was the young Martha Stewart, she cooked, she could do her own hair, she even baked and decorated cakes! Then, here comes my brother a true athlete. And after my sister and I felt tortured after taking all these music lessons, he comes along and is a natural born musician. Yep, no lessons needed! LOL So now you see why I felt like I missed out? I was the oldest and the only one without a talent!!

mother stress

Single Moms: Make The Best Out Of A Little

I recently read an article saying that quality trumps quantity, when comparing time with kids. Single Moms are, at least we think so, successful multitaskers (well all moms are). But now that we’ve included the quality time snatcher, Social Media, there’s no such thing as giving someone your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION! I remember my daughter was in middle school when I really started noticing her demand for more of my attention. Or maybe it was just me wanting to dig in her business more at that age. After I missed something she was trying to tell me because I was on the phone, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t get on the phone after I picked her up in the evenings, that ride would be totally dedicated to her because I knew the chaos would begin once we got home. With about 2 hours to spare after practice, for homework, bath time, dinner and bedtime. So the BEST TIME I had for QUALITY TIME was in the car.


The Power of A Praying Mother

It’s been 17 days and although 17 days is less than 3 weeks but right at 2.5, it seems like 3 months when your child is 6 hours away and she’s been unhappy 16 out of those 17 days.  Everyone thought we would nearly go into depression when she left for college last year, but to be honest we did well.  There was a few moments of “I miss you” and “Mom I think I’m just going to come home”  but it was never anything that Mom couldn’t coach her through.  But what do you do when your child is on campus and her only issue is “residence life”?  No she’s not living on the street.  Thank God! but for 16 days she’s been uncomfortable where she’s living, she’s moved once (first 10 days) due to some mechanical issues in the room and now for the last 7 days she’s been dealing with a negative roommate.  In one of my emails I wrote, “it’s been 4 days and they haven’t said 4 words but yet this young lady is making it clear to everyone that “she doesn’t F with her roommate”.  and then with all of this I’m told Key can move into a single room but there would be an additional charge each semester!  So without going any further, Yall know I was upset right? I’ve got to pay for inconvenience?

If you would, Allow me to take this deeper, we are dealing with an attack from the enemy, a spiritual war.  In order for the two of us to call it out, we had to be educated on satans purpose so we could be aware of the enemies tricks.  (For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Eph 6:12))  My daughter asked me just out of frustration “Why me?”.  See she already knew the answer but I had to remind her because the “enemy sees the calling on your life, he wants to take you down early”.  Unfortunately for believers walking in the world, we are operating on satans territory everyday. We are in prison (Eph 6:20) So everyday we are in a fight, Literally!  See my daughter and this girl were texting just fine BUT when they met face to face for the first time, something raised up inside of her and began to attack my daughter.  This hateful attitude was so disrespectful that it didn’t matter who was in her way, she said if it had to do with her roommate “she wasn’t compromising”.

I had to notice how consumed I had gotten with this situation, from fussing & cussing about it all day, threatening to go to the school and clown the student and the administration, threatening to use my social media influence, sending emails, phone calls…. But it wasn’t until last night that I said, “I’ve got to get back grounded”. Then this morning at 530 I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind but as I was praying “God you’ve got to fix it” God said “you’ve got to get back grounded, you can’t fight if you’re distracted”!  See the enemy used this as a distraction for me and my daughter.  I am a Praying Mother but my POWER was weakened due to the distractions.  My energy was  being drained by the consumption of it. Why in the world was one thing happening after another?  One of my emails said “this has gone from one extreme to another”.  But the enemy knew to keep this issue ongoing and I would get angrier and angrier (more so because I wasn’t physically there with my baby) and my daughter would become more and more frustrated and really begin to question God. Wow this is deep!

So now what will I do to get us back grounded?

  1. Recognize that there is a war going on.  When those spirits came into contact with each other, the war began.
  2. Be Still, Be Quiet and Be Strong!  Let Go and Trust God  to fight the battle.  (Ephesians 6:10) As Mom I wanted to get there, but she kept telling me No. Funny my Dad has been able to be there twice, because of timing he was passing through. So that was great comfort.
  3. We must Suit Up for War, Put on the Armor of God.   Ephesians 6:14-17
  4. Pray at all times Ephesians 6:18
  5. Be Bold, Be Fearless about speaking of the gospel. Ephesians 6:19
  6. Believe that in all things God works for the good of those that love the lord and are called for his purpose! Romans 8:28

In closing this morning I would just like to add, I feel so much better now that I have gotten grounded.  I am now able to get back focused and not feeling like I can’t function because I need to be heard in my absence. I am no longer allowing the enemy to use me.  I am at peace knowing God is at Dillard University fighting this battle! I also declare that because of this lesson, today will be the last day of war!

Armore of God

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