Now this one just might be a keeper, he’s nice, wait let me pull out my list. Ok, he doesn’t smoke, he loves the Lord. He doesn’t have any drama. He has a good job and good credit!
Wait are you saying you don’t have a list? You know the list of all the things that would make him Mr Right. Besides being a Man of God, He has to be Supportive because I have a busy schedule, Emotionally Sensitive but not too sensitive, Non-judgmental because I’m not perfect and he has to know how to Communicate because…Well I don’t believe in going to bed angry. Don’t laugh, Welcome to Shana’s World.
Then this soft voice says “Shana, what if he has a list?”, now where did that voice come from?” After I discovered this voice knew me a little more than I knew myself, I decided to do a self-assessment. Then I asked a few guys, what was on their list? It’s so funny because it’s true, guys really are a lot simpler than women. I had a brief conversation with Author Sean Wilburn, who also says “Our list is simple, we are really simple creatures” he goes on to say ”Be emotionally available, Not emotionally needy and last, but not least-Just be Cool”
Now let’s pause here. If a man needs us to be emotionally available and not emotionally needy, my advice here is that we must first make sure we have dealt with our past baggage before we start making a list and checking it twice. How much of your past hurt are you holding on to? Have you forgiven those that have hurt you? The past boyfriends? Your kid(s) father? Maybe even your father? Have you worked through your childhood abandonment issues and the heartbreaks? As single mother’s we are very strong women and for most of us, we haven’t dealt with our hurts and disappointments because life throws so much at us, so fast, that we don’t have time to sort out our own feelings. But before we start griping about the shortage of men and creating this long list of the Haves and Have Nots, we MUST make sure that we are giving him a fair shot.
When my relationships ended, I always blamed “him” but never looked at me. Well of course not because in my eyes- I was perfect, I didn’t lie, I didn’t cheat and I didn’t stay out all night. But what Shana wasn’t, was emotionally available and she was emotionally needy. I hadn’t dealt with all the reasons why I didn’t respect men or why I thought all men were no good liars. I hadn’t dealt with the fact that I truly had commitment issues because I was always committed to the non-committable (is that a word) Therefore, I adopted his ways. I began to tell myself, “Don’t put your heart in it, because hearts get broken.” Hence why even after almost 40 years and 2 (really short) marriages, I still didn’t know what it felt like to LOVE. Well other than the love for my daughter.
For some, just wrapping your head around the reality of being a Single Mom has taken a lot out of you and for others maybe you were a teenage mom and over time became an expert at what I call the “exit strategy”, to come up with a really good way to get over the hurt and get it out of your head so you can move on. For this reason, I challenge you to push your list to the side and make sure that you are emotionally ready for Mr. Right. In this process you become more confident and learn your worth. Your stock value goes up because you’ve increased your value.
- Invest in YOU- Go see a therapist or hire a life coach, go to workshops, read personal development books. You need a non-judgmental person that you trust, my therapist helped me deal with my hurt and pain and my life coach helped me discover my purpose and passion.
- Fall in love with YOU-instead of trying to learn the new man’s likes and dislikes, study yours. Become so comfortable with yourself that you don’t settle. When something doesn’t feel right, you are ok speaking up, instead of wasting time waiting for things to change. Time is too precious.
- Spend valuable time with your kids- Let them talk, ask them questions. I would ask my daughter, What I could do to be a better mom? You only have one shot and 18 years goes by really fast. So invest in them for a greater return (ROI) This way you don’t have any regrets about the amount of time you invest in Mr Right.
- Date to learn more about you- Don’t take dating so seriously, have fun. You don’t have to marry the first man that makes you laugh. It’s like going on an interview, the employer interviews you to see if you’re a good fit and you are interviewing them to see if they’re a good fit for you. Nor do you have to give up the pearls. (get you a little friend to hold you over)
- The most important one- In everything you do Pray, develop a personal and intimate relationship with God and let him be your soft voice.
I’m not married yet, not even dating seriously but I can assure you that I am now happier than I’ve ever been in life. I have discovered that I am so much #MORETHANAMOM
Founder of The Real Single Moms Club
Follow me on social media @ShanaNaylor